I understand how upset you were when I broke up with you. Hey, I was disappointed too. I really had high hopes for our relationship. I thought you would be different from the usual assholes. Sure, you were less good looking, less stylish, not as cool as those other guys, but I thought, I can see beyond those surface imperfections to the great personality that supposedly lies beneath. I really tried, and I didn't want to break up with you, but you left me no choice. Then you begged me to tell you why, and I didn't, because I didn't want to be mean. But since I now see you slipping into that lame old excuse, "Women only like assholes who treat them bad, nice guys finish last," I feel compelled to explain exactly why I had to dump you.
1. You are a terrible kisser. There's really no way to say this in the moment, but your technique is disgusting. Please do not ever try to lick the roof of my mouth, stick your tongue up my nose, or slobber like a dog.
2. You stink. Yes, I realize your shyness around women makes you very nervous which can cause some incredibly foul sweat, but please, use more deodorant or something. And there is just no excuse for bad breath or a stinky butt. For god's sake, practice basic hygiene.
3. You have a huge fucking chip on your shoulder. Look, I'm really sorry those bitches in high school wouldn't talk to you. But you're 35, get over it already. You know, I was a loser in high school too, but I don't obsess over it every day. And I don't think it entitles me to whine about how difficult my life has been, and how everyone needs to be more accepting of my issues.
4. You're boring. And I don't mean that in the "would rather read poetry than go snowboarding" kind of way, because I'm a nerd too. No, I mean you never joke around, you never do silly or spontaneous things, everything with you has to be discussed seriously and at length. Lighten up!
5. You're creepy. Did you miss some secret boy meeting when you were a kid on how to flirt with girls without coming off like a total sleaze? Don't say, "You may not have noticed, but I've been looking at your body." Believe me, I noticed. You're not that subtle. Also don't say, "I'm going to pay for your dinner so you'll have sex with me." Your candor is not charming, it's repellant. Don't tell me how many times you've jerked off to thoughts of me naked. If you want to do that, go right ahead, but please don't announce it like it was the evening news, it makes you sound like a stalker.
6. You're shallow. I know you think wanting to be around me every second of every day demonstrates how much you care for me, but as soon as I realized it was because you have no life of your own, it just got annoying. You told me that have no interests or preferences except what I want, and no emotions of your own, except in reaction to me. That is not being intimate, that's just creepy. When I ask what you want for dinner, just say what you want. If you don't know, say "I don't know." But don't look at me with puppy dog eyes and whisper "Whatever you want" every fucking time! Jesus, it's just dinner!
7. You're a lousy lay. I know, your inexperience because of your nice guy status is to blame, but you could at least be willing to learn. You don't need to ask permission or announce every single move you're about to make. It kills the mood. Don't give me orders like I'm a piece of software you're programming. Jeez, if I wanted to be awkwardly groped and poked, I'd have sex with a 15 year old boy.
8. You have anger issues. You are so afraid of ever showing the slightest bit of anger that you repress it until you explode in rage at some inappropriate moment, like when I did not respond favorably to your demands for sex. Let me share a secret with you: if you had kept your mouth shut, you would have gotten some. But after you turned red in the face and started yelling at me for not giving it up fast enough, did you really think I would let you fuck me?
So let's review: you're secretly filled with rage and resentment, and you think you are entitled to sex on demand. That doesn't sound "nice" at all now, does it? Thanks for showing me that so-called "nice guys" are assholes too. If I'm going to be stuck with an angry, demanding asshole, I might as well choose someone who's at least pretty on the outside.
So long,
Your Ex-Girlfriend
1 comment:
I feel compelled to comment on some things. I consider myself a nice guy, well when you get past the shit-head persona i tend to project.
1. You are a terrible kisser. There's really no way to say this in the moment, but your technique is disgusting. Please do not ever try to lick the roof of my mouth, stick your tongue up my nose, or slobber like a dog.
Well I can understand this. I do. Nothing worse then a bad kisser. But if a person is inept in this area then you stop and go "hey I don't like that when you stick your tongue up my nose" or "I do not have peanut butter on the roof of my mouth stop trying to lick it off" or hell anything to let him know he needs to work on his kissing skills.
2. You stink. Yes, I realize your shyness around women makes you very nervous which can cause some incredibly foul sweat, but please, use more deodorant or something. And there is just no excuse for bad breath or a stinky butt. For god's sake, practice basic hygiene.
Shy and nervous is not synonymous with a "nice" guy. Not every guy that is nice is some timid man that clams up in the presence of women. You might have found one because they do exist but there are plenty of douche-bags in the world that do the same thing that are not nice.
3. You have a huge fucking chip on your shoulder. Look, I'm really sorry those bitches in high school wouldn't talk to you. But you're 35, get over it already. You know, I was a loser in high school too, but I don't obsess over it every day. And I don't think it entitles me to whine about how difficult my life has been, and how everyone needs to be more accepting of my issues.
A lot of nice guys do have a chip on their shoulders. Yes it does suck that in high-school the women ignored the "nice" guys. Which is starting a lot more to sound like "geeky, nerd, social outcast" guy, and once again doesn't mean they were nice just that they were nerds and geeks and social outcasts. But just because you blossomed in high-school and guys payed attention to you in college and later on. doesn't mean that happened for the "nice" guy. Generally for truly caring and nice guys high-school is just a footnote to the life of watching women choose the asshole/thug/womanizer/abuser time and time again. So the chip that in high-school might be a little pebble by the time they are 35 can be the size of a boulder. And it is hard to break out of that when they see it over and over again.
4. You're boring. And I don't mean that in the "would rather read poetry than go snowboarding" kind of way, because I'm a nerd too. No, I mean you never joke around, you never do silly or spontaneous things, everything with you has to be discussed seriously and at length. Lighten up!
Once again doesn't sound like you are talking about a "nice" guy sounds like you are talking about a person that is serious alot... or that you have nothing in common with.. or you are talking to someone who is very intellectual and would rather talk about serious things that are engaging then frivolous topics... or that is not a spontaneous person.
5. You're creepy. Did you miss some secret boy meeting when you were a kid on how to flirt with girls without coming off like a total sleaze? Don't say, "You may not have noticed, but I've been looking at your body." Believe me, I noticed. You're not that subtle. Also don't say, "I'm going to pay for your dinner so you'll have sex with me." Your candor is not charming, it's repellent. Don't tell me how many times you've jerked off to thoughts of me naked. If you want to do that, go right ahead, but please don't announce it like it was the evening news, it makes you sound like a stalker.
I have determined you are not talking about a "nice" guy... Number one, unless on the topic of sex a "nice" guy wouldn't say any of that shit. Well no i would say the pay for dinner so you will have sex with me but that is just because i am a smart-ass and i would find humor in it regardless if anyone else would... not that I honestly believe that I would engage in sex after that statement but i would still find it humorous. It sounds like you are with a socially retarded pervert who hasn't been around women and has no clue how to socialize with them. Nice guys do joke around and we are spontaneous.
6. You're shallow. I know you think wanting to be around me every second of every day demonstrates how much you care for me, but as soon as I realized it was because you have no life of your own, it just got annoying. You told me that have no interests or preferences except what I want, and no emotions of your own, except in reaction to me. That is not being intimate, that's just creepy. When I ask what you want for dinner, just say what you want. If you don't know, say "I don't know." But don't look at me with puppy dog eyes and whisper "Whatever you want" every fucking time! Jesus, it's just dinner!
OK how exactly did you meet this guy? because as far as I can tell, you would have had to go into his parents basement to meet him. A "nice" guy has interests and preferences. They have emotions... Nice guys are not programmed machine designed to fulfill your needs and serve you. Nice guys generally know what you like because we care enough to pay attention and when we do go to dinner already have an idea in mind of where we want to go that both them and you will enjoy.
7. You're a lousy lay. I know, your inexperience because of your nice guy status is to blame, but you could at least be willing to learn. You don't need to ask permission or announce every single move you're about to make. It kills the mood. Don't give me orders like I'm a piece of software you're programming. Jeez, if I wanted to be awkwardly groped and poked, I'd have sex with a 15 year old boy.
Once again... did you meet this guy on yahoo chat in one of the adult rooms or something? Since when did nice guy translate to never seen boobs in person and the last time he touched a pussy was when he was born?
8. You have anger issues. You are so afraid of ever showing the slightest bit of anger that you repress it until you explode in rage at some inappropriate moment, like when I did not respond favorably to your demands for sex. Let me share a secret with you: if you had kept your mouth shut, you would have gotten some. But after you turned red in the face and started yelling at me for not giving it up fast enough, did you really think I would let you fuck me?
ok "nice" guys do not demand sex.... and we sure as hell do not get mad because you do not want to participate in said event. And nice guys don't repress anger... then again nice guys wouldn't get angry in the first place. pissed annoyed frustrated not angry... You my dear were not with a nice guy you were with an asshole that just happened to be a loser, which is probably because he is an asshole.
So let's review: you're secretly filled with rage and resentment, and you think you are entitled to sex on demand. That doesn't sound "nice" at all now, does it? Thanks for showing me that so-called "nice guys" are assholes too. If I'm going to be stuck with an angry, demanding asshole, I might as well choose someone who's at least pretty on the outside.
Yeah you weren't even close to being with a nice guy... A nice guy has manners. he has confidence in himself. He is caring and helpful to everyone not just you. he is sensitive to your needs and wants without being a doormat or sacrificing all of his needs and desires just to fulfill yours. A nice guy listens and communicates, he doesn't berate or yell or physically abuse you. He understands the word compromise and doesn't bark ultimatums like he is a drill Sargent in the marines. A nice guy is genuinely interested in your opinions and interests. A nice guys respects you as not only a woman but a human being and treats you accordingly. A nice guy keeps his dick in his pants when he is in a relationship and is faithful. A nice guy is sweet he calls you on wed. because it is wed. and he wanted to hear your voice. A nice guy compliments and does romantic sweet things not because he wants to get laid but because he wants to do them and the only reward he hopes to receive is a smile on your face and a look of pleasant surprise when does them. A nice guy is responsible and takes care of himself and his family when they need him.
Basically a nice guy is the polar opposite of the autistic windows licking social special Olympic reject you had the unfortunate opportunity to meet and try to date.
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